Growing up in a home with parents that struggled with addiction was a really, really confusing place. I was in high school before I could name the ‘thing’ that was our secret. I knew we had a secret, and I knew it must be really bad because mom and dad wouldn’t talk about it. I watched as they happily lied to friends and neighbors. As they lied to me and my siblings. I never had the guts to call them out, because I was afraid to find out what The Secret was. I didn’t want to disappoint them or make them uncomfortable by all the questions I had, so I kept my head down and my mouth closed and pretended, just like they did.
My siblings and I made up code words to describe the situation at home. We helped each other strategize over when and how to talk to them about things we wanted or needed, because we didn’t know what state of mind they’d be in or what might push them over the edge. We worked together to team up against The Secret. In elementary school, my stomach was in a constant state of burning and I started pulling out my eyelashes. In middle school I had full on meltdowns over any grade less than an A and dreaded all sports (or anything I could be bad at, really). My mom mandated ‘mental health days’ when I got too wound up and I’d sleep for hours and hours on those days. In high school, I went on a cleaning rampage that involved removing all the books from our bookshelf to dust every single one of them and that’s when I found out The Secret was Alcohol. I had suspected it, but didn’t want to believe it. I could smell it on them. I could SEE my dad drinking but didn’t like the idea that he was a drunk. My mom was the most kind loving human I had ever known and then sometimes, when she wasn’t ‘all of a sudden’, it really messed with my head. But finding the empty liquor bottles in the book shelf confirmed it. We found more bottles – bottles hidden in all sorts of places. We finally knew The Secret. I had known it all along, but it was just so much easier to deny than to accept.
I realize now the thing that hurt us so much during that time was the crushing, overwhelming denial my family had about their addictions. When you are in a state of denial, there is no place for recovery. Ellen Van Vechten – an author, lawyer and Drug & Alcohol counselor – says this about denial:
“One of the hallmarks of addictive diseases is denial of a problem….For treatment to facilitate change, it needs to break through the cycle of denial, cause the user to perceive the harm that is being done by addictive behaviors and move the user along the continuum of stages of change”
On The Other Side of Chaos
You may be familiar with the assumed introduction of attendees at AA meetings – “My name is…and I am an Alcoholic”. While not actually expected or required, there is a very intentional reason behind this. It’s a lot harder to actually heal and recover from addiction when you are in denial. If you can’t say it – if you can’t name your Secret – then you probably aren’t ready to do the work required for the growth to happen. AA, among other fellowships, provide an environment where you can be seen, validated and supported. This is not truly valuable until you’ve moved past the denial stage.
And let me tell you what – from the perspective of a child – I really wished my parents would have moved past the denial stage a bit faster. I wish we had just freaking talked about it. The Secret has heavy, it was so so heavy. My co-worker confided in me once that his wife was struggling with drinking. They have 4 beautiful kids and my heart started to hurt for them – but then he told me the most amazing thing. He and his wife speak openly with their kids about her alcoholism. About her good days and bad days. They talk through each time she ‘slips up’ or relapses. They answer questions their kids have and involve them in her journey with sobriety. Their kids are going to be just fine. Sometimes I wonder if he and his wife even know the gift they have given their kids. They still have a weight to carry, but they aren’t carrying it alone. It will not crush them. The gift of being able to ask questions and tell their parents when they need help and to just be seen in the midst of the turmoil that addiction can create…what a powerful, beautiful gift.
Alcoholism is a family disease – and whether the person suffering has mild, moderate or severe alcoholism – pretending it’s not a problem is hurting everyone. It is often an uncomfortable, painful process but the only way for healing and growth to happen – for everyone involved – is step into those uncomfortable moments, name your Secret and do the work to manage it.
For those not knowing where to start- check out the links to some fellowships below. These are certainly not the only options, but they are good first steps to finding what works for your own growth and healing.
For Loved Ones:
Al-Anon – https://al-anon.org/
(Or Alateen, for teenage children) – https://al-anon.org/newcomers/teen-corner-alateen/
Schedule private therapy with someone who specializes in this area
Family Therapy with someone who specialized in this area
For Those Suffering Addiction:
Alcoholics Anonymous – https://www.aa.org/
Celebrate Recovery – https://www.celebraterecovery.com/
Loving an Addict 