For a while I found quite a bit of contentment getting my messy thoughts ‘out’ in a place I could revisit and review. Life in a pandemic era is beyond insane and I’ve found myself a bit over extended these days. I don’t really like the notion of ‘New Year’s Resolutions’ but I have privately committed to myself that I’d take some more time to rest. Saying it more boldly, I want to be the type of persons who finds joy in rest and relaxation.
I don’t really even know what that means – to rest. The past couple of decades, being alone with thoughts has been much more inconvenient for me than filling that space with productivity. Too many thoughts slow me down, might make me remember things that are painful and can impact my mood. Who has time for this? I’d describe myself as a happy, high capacity, addicted-to-responsibility person who won’t turn down a challenge and fully believes that I am capable of doing it ALL for me and my family and maybe yours, too. Just writing that out was energizing for me. And also – this is my greatest weakness.
Author and storyteller Brene Brown describes vulnerability as ‘uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure’. At first, none of these things seemed scary. I can sit for a while in uncertainty. Risk is ok, at times. Emotional exposure – I mean for real though, who hasn’t seen me cry? But if I’m being honest, when I find myself thinking too much, I get frustrated. I’m angry I ‘went negative’ or am wasting energy on things in the past. I don’t like how it makes me feel. Ah yes, I’ll reorganize the linen closet. Or go for a run and listen to loud angry music that drowns out my loud angry thoughts. Or maybe I’ll slow down with a yoga class because that looks like rest and self care and if the music is loud enough and the flow is fast enough I can really escape. In other words – I have a hard time being emotionally exposed to my own self. I’m more vulnerable with other people than me. I don’t like spending time in the past, but it leaves me unsure on how to process and heal sometimes.
I am a master compartment-alizer. Is that particular feeling…uncomfortable? No fear – I’ll put it in a box, seal it up tight and find a place for it. My dad taught me this. I remember the conversation, I was really upset about something and he was quite literally teaching me his coping mechanism, to ‘find a place for it’. That place isn’t here – it has to go – and I am in control of my thoughts. I get to choose where I dwell, and what I do with those feelings. If I want to be melancholy and sad then there are tons of things I could think about! If I wanted to be happy or upbeat or maybe I wanted to calm down or energize myself – whatever the feelings were – I could control them. But the phrase that stuck with me, ‘find a place for it’ became nearly a daily mantra.
I was a pretty observant kid. I was shy, riddled with anxiety and was great at not being noticed, which was fine with me because it let me sit back and observe. I quickly identified people as genuine, as ‘fakes’ as successful or lazy. I watched how they walked, how they spoke, how they made eye contact and how they lived. I could easily identify the people who clearly let their thoughts control their lives. I carefully created the person I wanted to be based on all of this information gathering. That was REALLY hard work because the person I wanted to be was confident, could carry a conversation, was generous and the type of person who wasn’t going to let messy thoughts make her sad or anxious all day. This was a VERY different person than I was as a child. I had crushes on boys at school but would rather be struck down by lightning than actually talk to them. I knew answers to questions in class but sat at my desk silently praying that the teacher would never call on me. I was terrified of mistakes, hated chaos and felt easily overwhelmed by too much noise or stimulation. I’ve spent an immense amount of time an energy navigating how to master all of these things, so I can be a genuinely happy, confident and successful person. And through all of this- I have mastered burying those messy thoughts down so deep that I can’t find them when I need them sometimes.
All this to say, I’m hoping this blog can help me slow down, sit with some of these thoughts and process. Not too much, but not hidden forever.
Loving an Addict 