In my adult life, I’ve learned a weakness of mine is setting appropriate boundaries and recognizing when I am enabling. I’m a million times better today than I was before I started my own family – but old habits die hard and I really have to evaluate my responses and check in with myself when navigating relationships with my loved ones who are suffering from substance abuse.
After my engagement, my aunt pulled my husband aside and told him to take me away from here. She told him I needed separation from my parents and the daunting task of trying to save them. She was partially correct – while I didn’t necessarily need to be physically removed from the situation, I definitely needed to be emotionally removed. She saw something I didn’t. She feared for my upcoming marriage. She didn’t want my future motherhood to be shaped by the fact I was at my parents beck and call. She saw my enabling, while I only saw my ‘helping’.
It helps to put some real definitions for ‘enabling’ – prepare to feel called out.
ENABLER:
A person or thing that makes something possible
Someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior
Common examples of enabling a loved one with a SUD (substance use disorder):
- Seeing it but not saying anything
For years, when I cleaned the house I’d find hidden bottles. I’ll never forget the first one I found, behind the books on the bookshelf. I had pulled the books out to dust and found a wine bottle. That’s when it hit me. That’s when I knew what this was – it wasn’t a split personality or really bad mood – it meant my mother was drunk. I said absolutely nothing to anyone. I threw it away and kept cleaning. I’d find cigarettes hidden in drawers. I was angry they were killing my dad so I’d break them all in half and put them back in their package. I did this many times before he got angry enough to bring it up. I was good at not saying anything.
- Blaming other people or situations for the SUB’s behaviors
My dad had a high stress job. His wife was often drunk. He suffered childhood traumas he won’t speak about. He has no friends or outlets. My mom was the youngest kid of 7 – and a girl and felt like she didn’t get the validation or recognition she needed from her parents. She suffered trauma she won’t speak about. She lost her sister tragically. Her parents died slowly from dementia. Her best friend betrayed her. Her husband chose his job over his family. She had no outlet. It’s not their fault they drink – look at what these other people have done to them! If only these things didn’t happen…
- Providing financial assistance
I didn’t run into this too much with my parents, but it’s a huge way to enable a loved one. If they can’t pay their bills or provide for their children but have enough money to buy their drug then the money you give to them is enabling them. If you step in and start paying their bills consistently they never learn to save that money – and more of it is funneled to their addiction. It’s OK to say no, or find creative ways to show up for the children of someone with SUB.
- Putting their needs before your own
This one is hard. When someone you love so much is struggling – it’s easy to put everything aside and jump all in. You can save the day, right? If they just have you to do X, Y and Z, then maybe…just maybe they’ll change. Sometimes this looks like answering their calls in the middle of the night, even when you know it’s just a drunk dial. It’s letting your parents use you as a therapist because you know they don’t have anyone else. It’s catering to them ‘because they’re suffering’ but really just draining ALL of your resources and not actually providing them with tangible tools for recovery. It’s when you bail on date night because you can’t reach your Dad and need to check and make sure he’s still alive…..again.
- Covering for them or lying for them
“I’m so sorry my mom couldn’t make it! She got sick again….she wishes she could be here!”
“Dad said to eat without him, he has a lot of work to catch up on”
“We had a great weekend! We spent really quality family time together”
“It was totally my fault we didn’t show up for this. I double booked, so we have to bail – I’m sorry!”
“My Dad slipped on the ice and that’s why his face is so bruised. These dang Michigan winters….”
- Taking on more than your share for responsibilities
This can blend with putting their needs first. I heard myself telling my dad I could do his grocery shopping every week and clean his apartment every week. I have a fulltime job, two kids and my own damn house to clean. I should have said ‘Dad I’ll teach you how to schedule grocery delivery services’ or ‘here is the phone number to a house keeper that a friend recommended’. Make them take the initiative. You shouldn’t do it all. This is not helping them. Be a teacher, an encourager, a motivator – but don’t take on all of their responsibilities as your own. This. Is. Not. Helping. Them.
- Failure to recognize / acknowledge your loved one has a substance abuse disorder
“She is young and just likes to party. She’ll grow out of this stage”
“I’m missing some alcohol from our alcohol cabinet – must have been a friend that snuck it, or someone broke in. It couldn’t have been my husband”
“They’re just going through a lot right now, who am I to say something?”
“We all cope differently – I’m sure she can quit when she’s ready”
Set small goals to establish boundaries and reduce your enabling:
- Give yourself permission to say ‘no’ WITHOUT guilt!
- Tell your loved one what you want.
- Stop bailing on your plans to accommodate them over and over and over and over.
- Communicate your boundaries: I will not answer your calls after 10pm/ don’t call me when you’re drunk / I’ll buy your groceries this week but I will not give you cash/ I will let you see my kids if you are sober.
- Stick to these boundaries
- You do no need their permission to have boundaries. You do not need other people’s approval for your boundaries. You do not need to explain or justify the boundaries you need to set for yourself. Read that again.
Loving an Addict 