At this point in my posts, it may not come as a surprise to you that I identify with a ONE on the Enneagram. More specifically, I am a type One with 9 Wing – The Idealist.
Not to go down this rabbit hole too much – but on the website for Your Enneagram Coach, a Ones and Nines are described in the following way: https://www.yourenneagramcoach.com/type1
Combine the two and you have an uncanny description of my good/bad and ugly. I have high expectations of myself and others and am easily frustrated when I fall short. My 9 is what softens my 1…even though I’m holding to myself to a high standard, my nine allows me to not take my judgements so seriously, and I move past them quickly. I spend all day getting worked up, and then delicately talking myself off these ledges. I genuinely want to find common ground with people, I’m very agreeable so long as I deem it morally acceptable. I have a high level of self-control. I struggle to voice my feelings and opinions at times, as I prefer to avoid conflict. I can remain highly objective and I’m an expert on repressing my emotions (which has turned into quite an unhealthy way of navigating them). I am OK with being alone and feel a deep connection to nature. To those that don’t know me, I may come across as cold, uninterested or uptight, and since learning this about myself, I try and change this by smiling a LOT. Sometimes I think that works. There are a million websites and blogs and books about the Enneagram – a cool thing to lean into, especially if you’re struggling to relate to someone and think this could take you deeper. It will.
In my deep dive into the Enneagram, there is discussion on how we fall into the numbers we identify with. Not surprisingly, a person’s childhood circumstances are a huge contributor to their Enneagram number.
I fear being bad or wrong:
I beat myself up for mistakes. I avoid taking risks sometimes because I am not confident enough that the results will be good. I feel uncomfortable treating myself to things unless I think I’ve earned them. I have high expectations of myself.
I have a deep desire to do the right / just / morale / selfless thing
To a silly extent this is true. I hate bending rules because it gives me anxiety. I hate grey areas….I need to know what is right/wrong/acceptable. Clear is kind…I need clarity or I’ll drive myself crazy with overthinking. I love routines and structure and for everything to have a place where it belongs and for things to be organized. In my mind, these things are so comforting. I work hard at being good in these areas and expect the same of others. The Nine in me jumps out in front of my One when I’m about to go off the deep end and saves those around me. I have MUCH more grace for other people (people pleaser, avoid conflict, etc) than I do for myself. Thank you, Nine. Thank you.
A huge weakness of mine is anger/resentment
Why do I experience this? See above. It took me 35 years to fully understand that not everyone sees through the same lens as me. I mean, I knew this – but not completely. Honestly, reading books on the Enneagram really helped me make sense of this. Meanwhile – I can get really frustrated at other people’s poor decisions. I often think through the incredibly narrow lens of ‘If I can do this, anyone can’. That is unfair and simply not true. I’m learning.
Now…imagine a One growing up with a mother who was disorganized, messy, inconsistent and – beginning in my teenage years- often intoxicated. When she was intoxicated – she could be verbally combative. She was impulsive and emotional – I never knew what I was going to get. The Nine in me wanted to please her, to keep peace, to make her happy and to feel connected to her. The One in me was teeming with anger and resentment at her lack of self control. You just can’t win there, with someone who struggles with substance abuse. From late middle school until my late twenties, I often looked at her as morally compromised. I treated her that way, too. I was angry and resentful and ashamed. She was supposed to be the adult, why was I meal planning for our family? I was enraged at the home my brother grew up in – being 8 years younger than me, he took the brunt of our family’s dysfunction. I was frustrated at the relationship my mom had with my sister, who is 3 years younger than me. They are a lot alike but that wasn’t a good thing in a lot of ways – my mom was really hard on my sister and seemed to pick on her more than the rest of us. I had fury just simmering inside me because of this. I moved out of the house – but down the street – so I could keep an eye. So I could subtly control. So I could guilt her, in hopes if she felt shamed enough she’d just change. And all of this filled me with resentment that I can’t put into words. I was not a good daughter to someone suffering substance abuse, but I didn’t know it at the time.
The book that rocked me was The Road Back to You. Warning: it has a lens of Christianity. If this makes you uncomfortable, there are other Enneagram books out there. I’d encourage you to read this one anyway and see past the God-stuff if it’s not your thing…because this book just might shake you up, tear you down and help guide you to rebuilding.
I really wished I had this information when I was younger. That I had more of a ‘seek to understand’ mentality when my mom was still alive. I would have loved to have these conversations with her. She might not have changed, but I certainly would have. But here we are – and late is better than never. In the wise words of Maya Angelou “Do the best you can do until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
Loving an Addict 