The Eye

The past year or so, I’ve been finding a lot of joy and validation in listening to Brandi Carlile. Everything from parenting (The Mother) to loving someone with an addiction, which is how I interpreted The Eye. I don’t just listen to her music – I feel it in my soul. Damn. This woman knows. It’s amazing to me how gifted some people are, and I try to slow down and be grateful for those who are sharing their gifts with the rest of the world.

The Eye | Brandi Carlile

It really breaks my heart to see a dear old friend

Go down to the worn out place again

Do you know the sound

Of a closing door?

Have you heard that sound before?

Do you wonder if she knows you anymore?

I wrapped your love around me like a chain

But I never was afraid that it would die

You can dance in a hurricane

But only if you’re standing in the eye

Where did you learn to walk

Where did you learn to run

Away from everything you loved?

Did you think the bottle

Would ever ease your pain?

Did you think that love’s a foolish game

Did you find someone else to take the blame?

I wrapped your love around me like a chain

But I never was afraid that it would die

You can dance in a hurricane

But only if you’re standing in the eye

You can dance in a hurricane

But only if you’re standing in the eye

I am a sturdy soul

And there ain’t no shame

In lying down in the bed you made

Can you fight the urge to run for another day?

You might make it further if you learn to stay.

I wrapped your love around me like a chain

But I never was afraid that it would die

You can dance in a hurricane

But only if you’re standing in the eye

You can dance in a hurricane

But only if you’re standing in the eye

Man, talk about a song that calls out all your dark thoughts. I wrapped my mom’s love all around me. I let it be such a huge part of who I was. I strived for her attention, her validation – and she gave it so willingly for so long. She was so amazing. I was never afraid of losing that love, that comfort. It’s not her fault that it went away…not really. I wish I hadn’t craved it so much when I was a kid – that I had been more confident in myself and needed her less. I wish it hadn’t been so good…because it wouldn’t have hurt so much when I lost it. But I am a sturdy soul and there ain’t no shame in lying down in the bed you made. Yup, nailed it. I’ve got this. I’m OK.

It really breaks my heart to see a dear old friend Go down to the worn out place again

I could take one look at my mom or dad and know they were ‘going there again’. Even if they hadn’t started drinking. To say it breaks my heart is an understatement. It rips it out. I think I’m hypersensitive to addictive personalities and I have to remind myself to let people live and learn on their own. Friends, family, random people I meet or run into. They’ll say something that jolts me back to those moments where I knew what was coming – I know they were going to go to their worn out place. I didn’t know how to stop my parents from doing that and I don’t know how to stop anyone else. I hate that.

I won’t be like my mom – or my dad – in this way. I won’t run away. I will never turn to the bottle to ease my pain. I’ll never try to pass the blame to the next person. My kids can wrap my love around them like a chain and dance freely – through any storm. I can sit with a hell of a lot of discomfort, trust me. I’ll lean into all the messy shit. I’ll stay. My kids will never have a blog someday about this.