Admitting you may have a problem and seeking help is the first of many steps. There might feel like there is a lot working against you, so finding the right people to come along in your journey is both critical and requires a lot of work and intention. The latter part is frustrating for me as I am fiercely protective of my family especially when they work so hard to do right by themselves and their journey with substance abuse.
My sister is bubbly, beautiful and vivacious. She struggles with her addiction but she’s strong as hell and made some serious efforts to get help. My respect for her goes deeper than any words in any blog could ever communicate. A couple of years ago in a new city that she was trying to make feel more like home, she found a CBT group and she really connected with them. She was excited she wasn’t in this alone. She was excited for an approach to understanding her addiction that was scientific and explained in a way that made sense to her, that empowered her. Then she met Chris. Chris was excited she joined the group and welcomed her with open arms. Called himself her sponsor. Checked in with her, connected with her and earned her trust. Then decided his own sexual gratification was more worthy than her sobriety, and his texts became inappropriate. He would touch her at meetings in a way that made her uncomfortable. Tell her he was having a bad day and ask her to cuddle him. Make her feel like his help and education came with a price – and she had to pay up.
I’m grateful for the instinctual ‘red flags’ that fire off sometimes when you might be in a compromised situation. You know…the hair on the back of your neck standing up. Hyper vigilance when this person is around. Being able to feel their eyes on you. Those are the things my sister began to experience around him. Eventually she decided she could no longer attend those meetings. CBT was a really valuable concept and she learned a lot, until Chris made it feel unsafe. She never went back.
Later, she was recounting this with an elderly gentleman she met at an AA meeting. Why had she stopped trying so hard to get help? What changed? She told him about Chris. The older gentleman nodded to her, knowingly. “Ahhhh…you found a Wolf. In recovery – you have to Look Out For the Wolves”.
I’m not sure if the term ‘wolves’ is really a thing, or this gentleman coined it himself. It was one of those sentences that sank deep for my sister (and gave me chills) when she was telling me about it. I wanted to know just how much of an issue this was, and it didn’t take much research for me to learn about the ’13th Step’. As most of you know, AA is one of the programs referred to as a ’12 step’ approach. These are very common methods to build a foundation to recovery. The 13th Step is when a well-seasoned member of a 12 step program pursues a physical relationship with a new member. Most recovery programs have pretty strict guidelines about dating within the early stages of sobriety, and if followed – this would avoid such behavior. Unfortunately it frequently flies under the radar – and due to the incredibly vulnerable place a new member is in, this becomes a predator/prey type situation pretty quickly. It sounds common in many group settings but can become out of control – as displayed in the 2007 Newsweek article here.
Additional information on the 13th Step can be found here: https://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-recovery/aftercare/the-13th-step/
Important to note: Especially if you or your loved one has been a victim of sexual violence, it’s worth looking into Women’s Only groups in your area. They are not as prevalent but they are out there. It may help you feel safer and allow you to be more vulnerable. This is true not only for the ones we love who are seeking help in their substance abuse – but for YOU who may be looking a safe group of people to connect with.
Loving an Addict 